Variable clouds with thunderstorms, especially during the afternoon hours. Potential for severe thunderstorms. High 89F. Winds WSW at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 50%..
Scattered thunderstorms early, then mainly cloudy after midnight. Low 69F. Winds W at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 60%.
Typically, families who vacation during their schools’ spring break tend to head for beaches and sunshine; they’ve had enough of being cooped up and cold winter weather. Ever the contrarians, my family and I drove into a snowstorm.
Our destination was a treehouse—The Triple T Treehouse at River Ranch in Logan, Ohio, to be exact. I’d found the place online while looking for unusual and pet-friendly accommodations near Hocking Hills State Park (a name that derives from the Wyandot tribe’s word “Hockhocking,” meaning “Bottle River,” and not, as I briefly suspected, from the echoing sounds of locals who’ve swallowed a bit of their chewing tobacco).
We stayed for three nights; the weather improved and we enjoyed the on-site features, like a hot tub, fireplace, and a wide variety of outdoor games. The decks and walkways that surround and connect the treehouses were reminiscent of the Ewok Village in Return of the Jedi, though much lower to the ground and absent any deadly teddy-bear types.
River Ranch is a carpenters’ wonderland, with wood-built amenities everywhere; if there’s an overriding theme to the place, it might be “Why not?” As in, why not build a giant version of the triangle peg game popularized by Cracker Barrel? Why not provide alternating tread stairs to the second level of the treehouse? Why not suspend a queen-sized mattress from two-by-fours, or a wooden picnic table and chairs, connected as one solid unit, from a tree?
During one hike on the property, I heard a rhythmic, mechanical noise that I first attributed to a nail gun or some similar tool, except the sound pattern never varied. Further investigation revealed an oil well at a far corner of the property. A single, stand-alone oil well bordering the Hocking River and residential areas? Why not? Only in Ohio, I thought briefly, before reconsidering and revising to “Well, maybe not just in Ohio, but definitely not in New Jersey.”
It wasn’t the only thing that wouldn't pass muster amid New Jersey’s notoriously difficult-to-navigate (and never before so appreciated by me) zoning ordinances. From my observations, the “sparse suburban” areas surrounding Hocking Hills were populated by, in order of frequency, cars, buildings, Trump flags, churches, and finally, people. Apparently the local auto dealerships don’t offer trade-in deals, because entire histories of vehicle ownership are visible simply by scanning a typical lawn, a sight that gives new meaning to the term “Rust Belt.”
It’s very possible that the reason it’s so difficult to buy a car right now is not due to inflation, supply chain problems, or war in Ukraine, but rather because all the cars are in Ohio.
Despite the culture shock, the local flavor satisfied in a homey, deep-fried way, much like the Texas Tenderloin Sandwich from Grandma Faye’s Grocery. Cutouts and images of Bigfoot are everywhere in Hocking Hills, which seemed inexplicable at first: to my recollection, the Bigfoot legend had always placed the creature in the Pacific Northwest.
A report in the Logan Daily News shed light on the subject: in 2014, the Hocking Hills Tourism Association partnered with a local theater group to create a series of short videos starring “Hocking Harry,” a Sasquatch who bears a startling resemblance to a guy in a gorilla suit. Bea Mills, creator of the annual Hocking Hills Bigfoot Conference, and 2019 “Bigfooter of the Year,” noted in the article that Ohio consistently ranks among the top five states in the nation for Bigfoot sightings. “But no one in Ohio has claimed Sasquatch,” she observed. “Why not Hocking County?” Why not, indeed?
We made sure to check out the Paul A. Johnson Pencil Sharpener Museum, which is exactly what it sounds like. A museum consisting of 3,400 pencil sharpeners? Sure, why not? It’s conveniently located next to the Hocking Hills Visitor Center, and while it’s a safe bet that a visit won’t change your life, after exhausting forays in recent years to bigger and better-known New York and Philadelphia-area museums, it was, for me at least, a welcome change: the shed-sized Pencil Sharpener Museum simply requires one to enter, scan the glass-encased shelves, then turn in 45 degree increments, repeating the process until each of the eight principal points of the compass have been covered. Total time: about 15 minutes.
Despite all the unexpected curiosities, the main attraction was still Hocking Hills State Park. The area doesn’t have the wider recognition of a National Park like Ohio’s Cuyahoga Valley (which, by the way, was recently deemed inferior to Hocking Hills by a friend who traveled to both). I first learned of Hocking Hills through the fantasy graphic novel series Bone by Jeff Smith, a cartoonier, kid-friendly Lord of the Rings-style epic that my children and I both enjoyed greatly. In the documentary The Cartoonist: Jeff Smith, BONE, and the Changing Face of Comics, Smith, an Ohio native, discusses his inspirations for the settings and scenery of Bone, and as I watched his artwork shown alongside actual images of Old Man’s Cave, Rock House, Cantwell Cliffs, Ash Cave, and other must-see spots in Hocking Hills State Park, I thought to myself, “I’ve got to go there someday.”
Upon our return from Ohio, I described the area to someone as one-third caves, one-third waterfalls, and one-third impressive rock formations, but it’s unique enough that attempts to capture its appeal verbally, even with photographic or videographic accompaniment, inevitably fall short. It’s beautiful, majestic, and well worth visiting if you’re in the area, or amenable to a nine-hour drive from New Jersey. Channel the spirit of Ohio and say to yourself, “Well, why not?”
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